


Somehow it’s enough.

by Sar863



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Bellamy Blake/Clarke Griffin Angst, Bellarke, Canon Universe, F/M, I Will Go Down With This Ship, Implied Bellamy Blake/Clarke Griffin, OTP Feels, Season/Series 04, The 100 - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-02
Updated: 2018-03-18
Packaged: 2018-10-14 02:37:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,844
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10527081
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sar863/pseuds/Sar863
Summary: This turned into a thing.





	1. Chapter 1

She keeps twisting her hands around themselves. Over and over again. A nervous habit that developed sometime between landing on Earth and everything that came after. She doesn’t even know when she noticed it was becoming habitual. It was just there one day. Suddenly part of who she was. A new thing stacked on top of all the other things she has become since that moment she was dragged out of her cell and thrown across space onto the ground.

  
_We do what we do to survive._

The thought keeps echoing through her mind. Twisting around as methodically as her hands.

_We do what we do to survive._

She looks out through the large glass window and down to Becca’s lab below. The people in her life, the ones she wants to do nothing more than save, are starting to look dead already. The weight of their decisions dragging them under to that place of self-hatred she has been in ever since she closed that drop ship door. The first time she carried the burden of being the one who makes the impossible choice. The choice to sacrifice the few and save the many. She closed that door and sacrifice a part of herself. She had given up getting it back long ago. No longer fighting for who she was.

    
Instead, she lets herself stay stuck in that place. Finn lives in it. So does Lexa. The people from the mountain. Ghost following her, reminding her of what she has done to make it this far. Some of them living. Jasper, alive and well, yet his eyes haunting her. Reminding her that he knows what she did and that she doesn't deserve forgiveness.

   
She leans back in the desk chair, allowing herself to sink into the soft leather, and finally pulls her hands apart from each other. Her heart screaming at her, telling her what she needs to do. Her mind pushing it down, telling her it isn’t an option.

In these moments she wishes he was here. Not because he would know what to do. Not because he would even do the right thing. No, that’s not why she want’s Bellamy here. She wants him here because he knows her. He knows what it’s like to carry this weight. He knows how to make the hard choices.

He knows how to walk in her shoes. To live in the place she does. 

   
Her eyes move back down to the lab and land on Raven, the girl hunched in the corner looking as broken as the day Finn died. She knows she doesn't deserve this. That Raven is a truly good person who shouldn't be hating herself right now. That she has been through enough. Her eyes move from the exhausted looking girl to the radio on the desk in front of her. She hesitates a moment before reaching for it and turning it on. The static crackling in the silent room a few seconds. She holds down the button and speaks.

“This is Clarke. Is anyone there?” Her voice is shaky. Part of her terrified that if he is there and she tells him what she is thinking about doing, he will drive through the black rain to stop her. Beg her not to.

_No. He would understand._

The radio cracks a few seconds before a voice comes over the speaker. “Hello, Clarke? Are you there?” She knows instantly that the voice isn’t his. There is no roughness. No deepness. No trust.

“Hi, Riley. I’m looking for Bellamy. Is he around?” She tries to sound strong. Brave. The radio is silent a few moments and she suddenly feels sick.

“Sorry Clarke. He chased after Jasper a few hours ago. No idea when they will be back.” She instantly bolts forward in the chair. Sitting on the edge.

“What do you mean chased after him? Did they not notice that it’s raining radiation outside?” She nearly pounds her fist on the desk. If she and Jasper both make it out of this wave of radiation alive, she is going to kill him herself. Enough is enough. It's one thing for him to hate her, she knows that she deserves it. It's one thing for him to hate himself too. But she won't let him keep hurting everybody else. 

   
“It’ll be ok. The rain let up here a few hours ago and hasn’t been back. Bellamy can handle him.” Riley doesn’t sound worried. She sinks back into her chair. Not sure how she feels. Not sure what to say. She feels so selfish. If she fails, Bellamy will be alone in this. Taking care of the remaining hundred. Her heart sinks all over again because they have always promised to do it together. She feels like she is lying to him all over again. After a few seconds of silence, the radio cracks again. “Want me to have him radio you when they get back into camp?”

“That’s ok,” she says quickly. Suddenly she can’t imagine talking to him about this now. Besides, she may be dead by the time he gets back. But she can’t just leave it at that. She needs to tell him something. Something that will help him understand long before anyone else. “Can you just write down a note and give it to him?”

“Sure, just one second let me grab something to write on.” The radio goes silent. Her heart pounds against her chest. “Ok. Go ahead.”

“Just tell him I said that who we are and who we need to be to survive are very different things.” Her voice shakes again but she knows it’s the right thing. That if she doesn’t make it, he will get it.

“Is everything ok Clarke?” Riley’s voice is low. She can hear the worry even through the radio.

“Yeah. He’ll understand. Thanks.”

“No problem Clar-.” She shuts off the radio before he can finish her name. Placing it on the desk she looks back down at the lab. Her mind made up.

Who she is, is a person who loves to draw. A person who once dreamed of all the colors Earth could offer.

Who she needs to be, who she has always needed to be down here, is the one who makes the hard choices. The one who will do anything to help them survive. The one who can survive on Earth and trapped in a place surrounded by ghosts.

Her mind starts thinking of ways to get the syringe from her mom and she knows she will never forgive her. Knows that her mother will never understand. Yet, somehow that’s ok. Because she knows that no matter what happens Bellamy will forgive her. Even if she isn’t here to see it. Even if she isn’t here to feel it. He will forgive her. He will understand it.

Somehow that’s the only forgiveness she needs.

Somehow, it’s enough.


	2. Maybe Sounds Like Hope

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another quick chapter! Bellamy gets Clarke's message. Kudos and comment are cool btw ;)

It’s always cold in the mornings. The gray morning light streaming through his small ash covered window only adding to the chill. Overcast again. Another chance that the day will bring radioactive rain. Another day closer to a deadly wave of radiation hurtling ever closer. Inescapable.

Despite this, he can’t bring himself to move from his small bed. A headache from drinking that ridiculous tea is making him wish the wave of radiation would get here sooner so he could just die already. He was possibly going to kill Jasper. If his hangover doesn’t kill him first.

At least he was alone. He quickly glances at the small empty spot next to him. The blond girl from last night didn’t hang around very long after. She silently gathered her clothes, kissed his cheek, and left without a word. It was the most he could hope for. Somewhere in the middle of their clothes falling to the ground and sloppy kisses, Bellamy realized he was no longer this person. Sober or not. Yet, he couldn’t bring himself to stop it. The idea of inescapable death propelling his actions further. He knew he wasn't the only one making a terrible choice because of their impending doom. So, he kept going. Trying to feel something.

Still, laying here along in the cold morning he knew didn't want to be that guy ever again. Whatever the hell they want was fine and dandy before but now he had something to lose.

He had no idea when Clarke had started to trust him. Depend on him. No idea when he had begun to feel the same way towards her, but they had become a team. Sure, they had moments of conflict. Times when they were fractured. Broken even. But of all the things he had discovered on Earth Clarke was the only one worth being better for.

If she had been there last night he wouldn’t have drunk that tea. Or allowed himself to dance in public. The memory of himself awkwardly swaying on the dance floor suddenly floods his mind. A small groan of regret rises from his chest as he covers his eyes with his palm. Embarrassed by it even alone in his room.

_Goddamnit_ _._

Maybe death really wasn’t so bad after all.

He finally pulls his hand from his eyes and slowly starts to sit up. Even the smallest movement lets the chill in. Rubbing his face a few times he looks across the tiny space he calls his own. Messy. Disorganized. Cramped. His room is a small but chaotic mess. He often likes to think of it as an analogy for his own heart. Something not terribly bad but also not necessarily good. The whole thing mostly just sad. Pathetic even.

His eyes land on a small square of yellow paper he doesn't recognize laying on his floor. He slowly gets out of bed and picks it up near the door. One side is empty. Flipping it over, sloppy handwriting is scribbled across. A note.

_Bellamy - Clarke radioed while you were out with Jasper. Needed to talk with you. Said it wasn’t important. Wanted me to tell you “who we are and who we need to be to survive are very different things.” - Riley_

His hands start shaking and he reads the short note over and over again.

_Goddamnit_ _._

Before he can think his fist is making contact with the wall. Anger coursing through his veins. He knows whatever she's done, whatever she's thinking about doing will likely get her killed. He can’t keep anybody safe.

_We do what we do to survive._

He should have gone with her to that island. He should have told her what he was going to say on that beach. But no, instead he wanted to believe her. Wanted to believe in her. Wanted to fix things with his sister while he still had time.

Throwing on his clothes, his headache still throbbing, he is out of his room in microseconds, sprinting towards engineering as fast as he can. When he enters the room, Kane is there. His head in his hands. Looking broken. He doesn’t even wonder when Kane got back to camp. He doesn’t care.

Before he can stop himself, Bellamy feels his body hurtling towards the man. Grabbing him by the collar, he yanks him up out of the chair. “What did she do?” he is screaming. His deep voice raw and raspy.

“Bellamy you need to calm down,” Kane’s calm demeanor has never been more infuriating.

“What did they let her do?” His voice shaking. His hands trembling. He can feel the world tilt sideways.

“She’s fine. I just spoke with Abby. Clarke is fine,” Kane says as he gently reaches up and pulls his hands away. Bellamy lets his hands drop and the man sits back down. Obviously still on edge. He begins pacing back and forth. His hands dig into his hair and pull at the ends.

“When did you get back?” He finally asks Kane. Attempting to calm himself down.

“Just a few minutes ago. I just got off the radio. We found something and I need them to head back from the Island. I need to get every organized.” Bellamy can feel Kane’s eyes watching him like a hawk. He can’t stop pacing back and forth. A habit he formed years ago when he would anxiously rock Octavia to sleep. Praying nobody would hear her. Finally, he stops and sits next to Kane at the table. His headache screaming at him. After a few moments, Kane clears his throat and says, "looks like you all had some fun last night.” Kane manages to sound somewhat amusement but he can’t bring himself to feel it.

“Kane, what did she do?” Bellamy sits unmoving as Kane explains what happened on the island. How Clarke took the syringe and injected herself. How she was going to sacrifice herself. That she was going to do what needed to be done. “Bellamy, she’s fine. Well, she's a night-blood now and if the others find out she could be in real danger, but for now, she is safe.”

“Nobody is safe down here.” he hears his voice crack at the words. Feels them so deeply in his soul. “I should have gone with her.”

“To what do what exactly? Stop her?” Kane gives him a knowing look. They both know that isn’t an option. Not when it comes to Clarke. “You don’t need to keep her safe Bellamy. She can do that on her own. It’s what makes you two such good team, you are equals. This isn’t on you.”

“I know. It just-” he can’t say the words. Doesn’t even know what they are.

“You know, sometimes when I look at the two of you I think, what would have been if they had never left the Ark?” Bellamy’s eyes shoot up and meet Kane’s

“What?”

“I see you two and I think, what would've happened if we didn’t ruin their chances at normal life. Would they have found each other? Often, my conclusion is no. I don't think you and Clarke would have. I think you would have passed each other by in the halls year after year. Never stopping to say a single word to each other,” his voice low. Kane leans forward and put his hand on Bellamy's shoulder. The way he always imagined a father would. “Sometimes Bellamy, when I regret everything so much that I think I won’t be able to live with myself another second, I remind myself that being down here on this godforsaken planet brought you two together. Somehow it’s enough.” He lets go of his shoulder and moves his attention back to the radio.

He sits there a few moments longer. His mind rolling over what Kane said. He’s right. They would have never even spoken if they never left the Ark. He would have gone his entire life completely unaware that the blond doctor with blue eyes was his equal in every way. He would have never known so many things about himself. The good and the bad.

He doesn’t need to keep Clarke safe but he wants too. Not just because their people need her but because he needs her. And she needs him. A fact so simple and so pure it almost seems too easy.

But nothing down here is easy. Nothing down here is simple. But Clarke knows that. Knows what it’s like to make the hard choices time and time again. Maybe, if they keep doing all of these terrible things they will survive. Maybe, the will somehow manage not to completely lose themselves. They will be able to keep each other together in the worst moments. Maybe, one day they will actually get to live.

He smiles slightly to himself as he thinks how much “maybe” sounds like hope.

 

 

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time jump because a whole lotta stuff went down at the end of Season 4. I want to keep posting in pairs. Back with Bellamy on this one. Clarke next! Comments are cool. Kudos are rad. 
> 
> btw I'm dyslexic and try very hard to fix my grammar but if anyone wants to beta or edit message me <3

He hates the grey walls. 

 

After being on Earth the lack of color on the Ark was maddening. At first, he had welcomed a proper bed and clean clothing. Even his first real shower had been a treat. In many ways, it was the life of luxury. Not to mention there was no longer a giant death wave of radiation to run from. He even slept soundly for the first few nights. Unable to fight off the utter exhaustion that racked his bruised body. 

 

Yes, at first, he had taken it in stride. They all had. 

 

Then the reality began to sink in. 

 

The silence began to creep in. They had all done things. Every single one of them. Terrible and unforgivable things on the ground. All to stay alive. To survive. 

 

Six months after getting back to the Ark, the thing Bellamy had long feared began to happen. He had survived and now he had to live with it. With all of it. 

 

The dead had somehow followed him into space. 

 

The days were long in space. Either everything was going fine or they were moments away from disaster. The highs and the lows were exhausting. In those weeks when there was nothing to do but standard chores, he struggled the most. Everyone in the group had someone. A person. Harper and Monty. Emori and Murphy. 

 

Perhaps the most surprising was Echo and Raven. Not long after landing on the ship, Echo had begun to go stir crazy. Far more than any of the others. Murphy had suggested she learn something new. At first, she had resisted but one day he found her in the control room clicking away at a computer screen. Her eyes fixed intently. After that, she was nearly always at Raven’s side. It turned out she was a natural at coding. Something Raven lost a good deal of when she shocked ALLIE out of her brain for good. Something she would have never found out about herself if it wasn’t for the circumstances. She took to it like a fish to water and Raven loved nothing more than having a student to teach. 

 

So that left him. In charge but alone. 

 

It left him with her ghost. 

 

At first, he had been determined. They had left her behind to survive and they had. She would have wanted it. Would have wanted nothing more in the universe than that. So, he made a silent promise and he moved forward. But like she said, deep down, he is all heart. And it was utterly broken. 

 

He had never really allowed himself to analyze his relationship with her. Had never let himself go there beyond the fleeting moments of “maybe one day.” He needed her for so many reasons but survival had always come first. Never giving him a moment to think past it and into the dangerous territory of, “what if?” 

 

But here he was, six months stuck in space with nothing to do but walk the halls and feel as alone as he did after his mother was floated and Octavia was locked up. With her shadow creeping through the halls always right behind him. 

 

This first time he noticed how much he had come to depend on her was not long after getting on the Ark. They were trying to figure out the best way to ration everything. With the group all looking to him he had turned his heads towards his right to get her opinion and it hit him all over again. Like getting punched in the soul. They had all seen it. Everyone in the group immediately knowing who he was looking for. 

 

They said nothing. 

 

The whisper of together clawing away at his heart. 

 

The word alone pounding into his soul. 

They talk about her often. Most of them bringing her up casually. Working through problems aloud and asking themselves what she would do. They hadn’t always agreed on what how she did things but as the months dragged on, it became clear thinking like her was the only way to survive. One day when Raven was lost about how to fix the air filtration system, the closest they had come to death yet, she said it out loud. The thing they were all thinking, “I wish Clarke was here.” 

 

“You can do this Raven,” he had reassured her. Wrapping a strong arm around her lean shoulders. 

 

“I’m tired of doing this.” Her voice was so lost. So exhausted. “How did she carry this pressure? How do you?” Her large brown eyes looked up at him. Fulls of tears. Fear. Real fear looking straight into him. He pulled her tighter into a hug and closed his eyes. A flash of a memory, a blonde braid, his hand wrapped around it tightly. 

 

“Who we are and who we need to be to survive are two very different things,” his voice on edge. Rough. “You can do this and you have to.” He pulled himself away and grabbed onto her shoulders. His eyes stern. His heart silenced. His brain turned on. “Get it done and save us.” Raven stared back a moment. Her eyes hardening. 

 

“You got it,” her voice sure. And she did. Of course, she did. Because surviving was what they did. Fighting was who they were and they had learned from the best. 

 

But it was the nights that were the worst. The time laying in his empty room alone. The memories flooding into the small space. The things he should have said. All of it gone. Over. Years left stuck on a half dead spaceship orbiting an even deader planet. 

 

When he closes his eye, he sees her. She lives there. Inside his mind. He knows her, what she would say to him. What she would expect out of him. To keep moving forward. If he could go back now he would probably have done so many things differently. Been the good guy from day one. 

 

He thinks about how she couldn’t shoot him. How after everything she had done, the choices she had made, it was him she couldn’t kill. She had said it once before, that she was being weak when she didn’t want him to go on his suicide mission. That she couldn’t lose him too. But she had changed her mind, decided to lose him was worth the risk. He had carried that for so long. That for the greater good she would sacrifice. He knew that but he still told her she would have to kill him and she failed. 

 

In that moment for whatever reason he knew she loved him too much to kill him. He felt it every moment after that. He told himself that after they got on the Ark there would be time to talk. Time to be honest with each other about how things had changed. But the moment never came. He left her behind. 

 

And he would do it again if he had to. 

 

They hadn’t been born into a life where love got to conquer all. No. They were born into a world where it comes last. But she had loved him and he had loved her. He knew it. He felt it. 

 

He would carry it.


End file.
